English Patriot
On the day England get knocked out of the world cup you will only have to look out your window to find examples of true English patriotism.
English Patriot before the match:
"Englllland! Englllland! C'mon England. I'm fucking brittish through and through I am. Fucking love this country. Eglland!"
English Patriot after they've been knocked out:
"I hate my life, I hate this country, let's smash up my local town."
I'm only vaguely interested in football but am a keen supporter of rioting so this week should be a good one.
21st June 2010
THE SUN HAS COME OUT
Yes capital letters in the title like a poem - that's how big the sun is. I'm not convinced myelf. When the sun comes out in London so do all the nutters. You constantly walk past people thinking "where the hell have you been all winter?" and now you see them everyday using a pigeon as a handsfree set. Maybe I just need to move.
19th April 2010
Never Run A Gig
Never run a gig
Or have a girlfriend who runs a gig
People will hate you
People that she hasn't booked
They won't book you for their little gig
Never run a gig
14th April 2010
The Night I Died
Here's a little vignette of joy I'm going to send in to Timeout magazine as soon as I get some new photos done (I have hair now - don't get too excited).
"THE NIGHT I DIED"
Saturday late show, rather famous gig in central London. Three minutes in, I'm doing surprising well and get cocky. A voice in my head goes "let's push it, do that joke about down syndrome, go on I dare you, you're a comic, you're on trial but never mind that, let's take these people somewhere they've never been before!"
I "push it".There's a laugh, then an oooh spreads round the room, then jeering, heckling, time starts speeding up and slowing down, I think my mouth is hanging open, one group of lads grips on and wants me "OFF! OFF! FUCKING CUNT!"
Strangely I rally to the task "I'm not going anywhere, I'm doing my time" I say and feel immediately proud of myself. My next punchline bombs. "Actually guys I think I am gonna go, thankyou goodnight".
I don't do that joke anymore.
April 6th 2010